Young Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder: What We Know

Romantic relationships at a young age can often intensify the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) for some individuals. Many people with BPD experience brief but highly intense relationships, often marked by fear of abandonment, insecure attachment styles (such as anxious or avoidant), and emotional extremes like splitting. In some cases, a partner may become their “favourite person,” leading to heightened dependency and emotional reactivity. These turbulent relationship patterns are common among those with BPD, and when they emerge during formative years, they can deeply influence emotional development and reinforce unhealthy relational dynamics and maladaptive patterns.

Sometimes, a single painful experience can shape how someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) navigates relationships for years to come. When these experiences happen at a young and impressionable age, they often carry even more weight. Being abandoned without warning or explanation, especially by someone deeply trusted, can trigger a sense of emotional instability that’s hard to shake. For individuals who already feel vulnerable or unsure of their worth, that moment can reinforce harmful beliefs, like thinking love is always temporary or that emotional closeness always leads to loss. Instead of seeing a breakup as an isolated event, it can become a symbol of what’s to come in every relationship. Trust becomes difficult, emotional reactions grow stronger, and the fear of being left again can lead to behaviours that are both protective and self-sabotaging. What starts as one painful memory can evolve into a pattern that makes future intimacy feel overwhelming or unsafe.

A study titled “Too Much Too Soon?: Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms and Romantic Relationships in Adolescent Girls” by Lazarus and colleagues explores how romantic relationships during adolescence can influence the development and severity of borderline personality disorder (BPD) symptoms. While BPD is often associated with unstable relationships in adulthood, this research highlights that many of these patterns begin much earlier. The study found that adolescent girls with higher BPD symptoms tended to have more dating partners, placed greater emotional importance on their relationships, and experienced heightened fears of abandonment, such as worrying about a partner’s fidelity. These behaviours reflect core BPD features like frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and unstable interpersonal dynamics. Notably, the study showed that early romantic relationships marked by both strong emotional support and high conflict predicted worsening BPD symptoms over time. This suggests that it may be the overall intensity of these young relationships, both the emotional highs and the conflicts, that contribute to symptom escalation. For adolescents vulnerable to BPD, relationships that feel overwhelmingly intense may not just mirror existing difficulties but also fuel a worsening course of the disorder.

These insecure attachment styles help explain the unstable relationship patterns that are commonly seen in individuals with borderline personality disorder. When someone fears abandonment (as seen in anxious or disorganized attachment), they may cling tightly to a partner, idealize them early on, and place intense emotional weight on the relationship. But this intense closeness can feel overwhelming or threatening, especially if there’s also a fear of being hurt, causing them to suddenly pull away, lash out, or devalue their partner. This cycle of idealization and devaluation, often referred to as “splitting,” can create constant instability. Arguments may escalate quickly, breakups may happen impulsively, and reconciliation might follow soon after. Over time, these high-conflict, emotionally charged dynamics can reinforce a belief that relationships are inherently unstable or unsafe. What starts as a need for connection can spiral into chaos, especially during adolescence, when identity and emotional regulation are still developing.

Understanding the role that early romantic relationships play in the lives of adolescents with borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits is crucial, not just from a clinical standpoint, but from a human one. What may appear as “clingy,” “overdramatic,” or “toxic” from the outside is often rooted in a complex mix of emotional sensitivity, attachment insecurity, and a profound fear of abandonment. These are not character flaws, but patterns shaped by early environments and relationships. When these vulnerabilities are met with the intensity and unpredictability of adolescent romance, the result can be a cycle of unstable relationships that reinforce core fears and self-doubt.

The emotional patterns often observed in individuals with borderline personality disorder are not the result of being inherently unstable or "too much." Instead, they are often deeply rooted in valid emotional experiences, shaped by early relationships and environments that may have lacked consistency, safety, or understanding. Intense emotions, fears of abandonment, and the struggle to maintain stable relationships can emerge as natural responses to past wounds, especially when those wounds were experienced during vulnerable developmental stages.

For many, these behaviours begin as attempts to feel secure or to avoid being hurt again. They are not evidence of being broken, but rather signs of someone who has had to navigate emotional pain without the proper tools or support. When these patterns become deeply ingrained, especially during adolescence, they can carry forward into future relationships, reinforcing the belief that love is always unpredictable or that connection will always lead to loss. But while these patterns may feel permanent, they are not fixed.

But the story doesn’t end in adolescence. While early relationships can leave lasting imprints, these patterns are not fixed. People with BPD, whether diagnosed or navigating traits, are not doomed to a lifetime of chaotic relationships. Growth is absolutely possible, and it can happen at any age. Through evidence-based therapies like Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), as well as emotion-focused or attachment-based approaches, individuals can begin to recognize their patterns, regulate their emotions, and build more stable, trusting relationships. With time, self-awareness, and support, many people learn to untangle love from fear and connection from control.

It’s also important to move away from stigmatizing labels and toward compassionate understanding. A person who struggles with intense emotions in relationships is not “too much,” they may have just never had the chance to feel safe in love. Whether it happens in therapy, through a supportive partner, or with the help of the community, people with BPD traits can learn how to love in a way that feels secure, grounded, and mutual.

We often talk about adolescence as a critical window for development, and it is, but healing doesn’t have an expiration date. Whether you’re 15 or 35, you can still rewire the way you connect, reflect, and relate. Unlearning survival strategies is hard, but relearning how to feel safe with others is one of the most powerful forms of growth there is.

Reference

Lazarus, S. A., Choukas-Bradley, S., Beeney, J. E., Byrd, A. L., Vine, V., & Stepp, S. D. (2020). Too much too soon?: Borderline personality disorder symptoms and romantic relationships in adolescent girls. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 48(2), 243–256. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-019-00595-4