The Foundation of Mental Health: Why Stable Relationships in Childhood Matter

When we think about mental health, it's easy to focus on the challenges that arise in adulthood — anxiety, depression, struggles with self-esteem. But often, the roots of these struggles run much deeper, beginning in childhood, and sneakily begin to present themselves in later years. The presence of a stable, supportive relationship during a child's early years isn't just comforting — it's foundational for development. Without it, many children grow up without the emotional tools they need to handle stress, build healthy relationships, regulate emotions, and trust themselves and others. In this post, I want to explore why having a strong support system early in life matters so much — and how its absence can leave lasting effects that show up years, even decades, later.

The Power of Early Relationships

From birth, humans are wired to seek connection. Early relationships do more than meet physical needs — they shape how we regulate emotions, handle stress, and form connections throughout life.

Attachment theory explains this process. When a caregiver is consistently responsive and supportive, a child develops a secure attachment, learning that the world is safe, their needs will be met, and they are worthy of care. However, when a caregiver is neglectful and unsupportive, a child develops an insecure attachment, whether it be anxious or avoidant. These early ties create a foundation for emotional resilience and healthy relationships later on.

When Support Is Missing

When support in early life is missing, the effects can show up in many areas of mental health. Having experienced inconsistencies with close figures, such as with parents or caregivers, children may struggle to develop trust in others, regulate their emotions, navigate difficult situations, or feel a strong sense of self-worth. Over time, these difficulties can make individuals more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.

Some children are forced to take on the role of a caretaker, managing a parent’s emotions or responsibilities before they are emotionally ready. In situations like these, later on in life, these individuals will often feel obligated to take care of others and live vicariously through them to give them a sense of self and purpose. It is not uncommon for those who experienced adversity in their early years to develop an unstable self-image, especially when they were raised by immature, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent caregivers. In some cases, children are forced to take on the emotional role of the adult, becoming the caretaker in the relationship far too early. This kind of parentification teaches them that their value comes from meeting others’ needs, not from being accepted for who they are.

Without a stable, nurturing environment to support emotional development, these children may grow up with a fragmented sense of self, unsure of their identity, constantly adapting to gain approval, and suppressing their own needs in favour of others. Over time, this can evolve into chronic people-pleasing, emotional dysregulation, or even features of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), such as intense fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, and a fluctuating self-image. What began as a survival strategy in childhood often becomes a deep-rooted struggle in adulthood. Others may experience emotional neglect, where their feelings are ignored or minimized, or face more obvious forms of instability, such as verbal, physical, or psychological abuse.

Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) highlights how early instability affects long-term outcomes. The CDC’s ACE study found that individuals who experienced four or more adverse events, such as neglect, abuse, or household dysfunction, were more than twice as likely to develop depression later in life. Other studies have linked higher ACE scores to an increased risk of anxiety disorders, substance use, and chronic health conditions.

The absence of early support doesn’t just influence mental health symptoms. It can also impact how people form relationships, manage conflict, and navigate daily stressors. Without a model of a reliable, healthy connection early on, it can become harder to trust others, seek help when needed, or even recognize one’s own emotional needs.

Early Instability and Personality Disorders

In some cases, early disruptions in emotional development can contribute to more persistent mental health challenges, including personality disorders. Research shows that a history of childhood trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving is often linked to later difficulties with emotional regulation, self-image, and interpersonal relationships.

A well-known study by Zanarini and colleagues (2000) found that 91% of individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) reported experiencing some form of significant childhood adversity. Experiences such as emotional neglect, physical or emotional abuse, and early loss of caregivers were especially common among participants. While not all individuals who experience early adversity will develop a personality disorder, these patterns suggest that early emotional instability can increase the risk.

These early relational wounds don’t just affect how we view ourselves — they also influence the kinds of relationships we’re drawn to later in life. When a child grows up in an environment where love is inconsistent, conditional, or entangled with emotional chaos, that pattern can become familiar, even comforting, in adulthood. As a result, individuals may unknowingly seek out or remain in toxic relationships that mirror early dynamics, not because they want to be hurt, but because that’s what their nervous system has learned to expect from love. Short-term, intense, and unstable relationships are extremely common for people with BPD.

In many cases, they may equate unpredictability with passion or mistake controlling behaviour for care. Others may feel deep discomfort in healthy, stable relationships because they challenge the belief that love must be earned, endured, or chased. This can lead to cycles of people-pleasing, codependency, or emotional over-investment — all attempts to secure the validation that was missing early on. For some, this dynamic is so entrenched that chaos feels safer than calm.

It is important to note that the development of complex mental health conditions like BPD is never caused by a single factor. Genetics, temperament, and later life experiences all play a role. However, early relationships form part of the foundation. When emotional needs are not met consistently during critical stages of development, it can make it harder for individuals to build the coping skills and stable sense of self that support long-term mental health.

Healing Is Possible

While early adversity can have a lasting impact, it’s important to remember that healing is always possible. People can develop new ways of relating to themselves and others, no matter what their early experiences were. The brain’s plasticity and its ability to change and adapt throughout life means that emotional and psychological recovery is not only possible but also common.

Therapy, especially approaches like cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), and attachment-based therapy, can help individuals who have experienced early trauma to rebuild their sense of self-worth, learn emotional regulation skills, and develop healthier relationships. Even those who struggle with personality disorders can experience significant improvement with the right treatment and support.

Another key component of healing is creating new, positive connections with others. Research shows that building strong, supportive relationships in adulthood can help mitigate the effects of earlier trauma. Supportive friendships, healthy romantic relationships, or finding a community that offers empathy and validation can make a real difference. While the past cannot be erased, it’s never too late to start building a new foundation for emotional health.

The Final Thought

Stable, supportive relationships in childhood are not just beneficial — they are essential for healthy emotional development. From fostering resilience to teaching emotional regulation, the connections we form early in life shape how we cope with challenges, relate to others, and ultimately navigate adulthood. While the absence of these connections can increase the risk of mental health struggles, it’s important to remember that healing and change are always possible.

No matter what the past holds, people can build new, healthier ways of connecting and relating. Therapy, supportive relationships, and self-compassion are powerful tools that can help rewrite old patterns and create a foundation for lasting emotional health. It’s never too late to begin the journey toward healing, and every positive connection with others and with yourself is a step in the right direction.

References

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8

Center on the Developing Child. (n.d.). Serve and return. Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/

Zanarini, M. C., Williams, A. A., Lewis, R. E., Reich, R. B., Vera, S. C., Marino, M. F., Levin, A., Yong, L., & Frankenburg, F. R. (2000). Reported pathological childhood experiences associated with the development of borderline personality disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 157(6), 962–970. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.157.6.962